Not on your life (May – September edition)

Raise your hands if you're in a crappy movie.

Raise your hand if you were in a crappy summer movie.

Summer’s over, so time to update this feature. As you may recall, these are movies which I’ll be passing for the present and hopefully, forevermore.

  • The Ugly Truth (released July 24)  – We’ve established Gerard Butler looks good sans shirt, but I’m doubting he can pull off a convincing romantic lead. Casting him in Gamer (Sept. 4), as a video-game character a.k.a. virtual puppet is inspired, but ultimatelynot terribly appealing.
  • Year One (pictured above) (June 19)/ Land of the Lost (June 5) – Prehistoric B.S. “comedies” that arrived fossilized.
  • Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 24) /GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Aug. 7) – Please, people. Stop with the toy nostalgia. Explosions and effects are cool, but where’s the story. I beg you.
  • Paper Heart (Aug. 7) – Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy indie twee. What I don’t enjoy is thinking this movie is being marketed to me as indie twee. Especially girly indie twee.
  • X-Games 3D: The Movie (Aug. 21) – I’m really happy for it, but this extreme sports video may not be in 3D, but this extreme sports video is the greatest of all time. Thus endeth the Kanye crap.
  • I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (Sept. 25) – And for Tucker Max’s sake, I hope it’s warm Meister Brau.
  • I Hate Valentine’s Day (not Valentine’s Day, but July 3) / My Life in Ruins (June 5) – Dear Nia Vardalos, we get it. Please move on.
  • Love Happens (Sept. 18) – A movie featuring a sad Jennifer Aniston? Why don’t I save myself 90 minutes and briefly scan US Weekly?
  • And finally the travesty that is All About Steve (Sept. 4).  Sandra Bullock proceeds to play quirk into stalkerish psychosis. Shelved for over a year, and only dusted off due the success of co-star Bradley Cooper’s The Hangover. And according to the poster, it’s brought to you by the producer of Miss Congenialty, which of course, is Sandra Bullock. Damn, it could be so-bad-it’s-good bad, but I don’t think I want to find out.

Posted on October 19, 2009, in Film news and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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