Son of Twitter Reviews

With this latest batch, I’ve surpassed my all-time movie-watching record in one year. 168 and counting! Not bad for someone who receives no pay, and no advance screeners that real, honest-to-goodness reviewers who actually review films get.

If someone wants to hire me as an honest-to-goodness reviewer (I’m cheap, and will work for screeners), here’s just a taste of the lyrical magic that drips from my keyboard:

  1. Teeth (Mitchell Lichtenstein, 2007) 2.0 ~ Some PIRANHA-style fun, but overall, pretty limp. Checking off teeth & dick boxes.
  2. Xmas Tale (Arnaud Desplechin, 2008) 3.5 ~ Might improve w/repeat viewing. Cast is strong, just convulted plot in French, which caused me trouble.
  3. The Strangers (Bryan Bertino, 2008) 3.0 ~ Great first half of set-up, but suffers from ditto scares throughout.
  4. Dark Knight (Christopher Nolan, 2008) 4.0 ~ Yep, I’m the last living human to watch it. Seems really loose when Ledger isn’t there to anchor it.
  5. Milk (Gus Van Sant, 2008) 3.5 ~ Why not release this before the Calif. Prop 8 election? Pure Oscar grab? Decent biopic with good Spicoli perf.
  6. Dear Zachary (Kurt Kuenne, 2008) 4.0 ~ Soon enough, I’ll get up off the floor.
  7. Changeling (Clint Eastwood, 2008) 3.5 ~ Rolled my eyes at times, but overall, pretty gripping. Jolie plays a tough role rather well.
  8. Slumdog $1M-aire (Danny Boyle, 2008) 3.0 ~ It was okay, but I haven’t found Regis entertaining for years.
  9. Synecdoche, NY (Charlie Kaufman, 2008) 2.0 ~ CK needs an editor/more talented director. Bloated, but with moments of brilliance.
  10. Let the Right One In (Tomas Alfredson, 2008) 3.0 ~ Loses momentum several times throughout, but nice alternative as a gender-switched Twilight.
  11. /Crash/ (David Cronenberg, 1996) 2.5~ Love the concept in theory. It’s like a parody of an erotic thriller. Twisted metal and scars? H-O-T!
  12. Wall-E (Andrew Stanton, 2008) 4.5 and
  13. Kung Fu Panda (Mark Osborne, John Stevenson, 2008) 3.5 ~ Kids movies among year’s best? I don’t believe it either.
  14. Encounters at TEOTW (Werner Herzog, 2008) 3.5 ~ Couldn’t Werner do an odder, more paranoid version of TV’s Wild Kingdom? Call Mutual of Omaha.
  15. Boarding Gate (Olivier Assayas, 2007) 2.0 ~ +1.0 for a scene w/ Kim Gordon barking in Cantonese. The other 1.0 for well, Asia, of course.
  16. Rachel Getting Married (Jonathan Demme, 2008) 4.0 ~ Before I die, I’d like to attend a wedding like that, if such a thing even exists.
  17. Role Models (David Wain, 2008) 3.0 ~ Paul Rudd: this generation’s master of the smartass universe? Former title holder: Bill Murray.
  18. Iron Man (Jon Favreau, 2008) 4.0 ~ Dammit, Favreau/Downey Jr., that was a lot of fun. Makes me feel bad for being eons late to the party.
  19. Water Lilies (Céline Sciamma, 2007) 3.0 ~ Those expecting teen lesbo action will be disappointed. Instead, tender debut film re: young love.
  20. Happy-Go-Lucky (Mike Leigh, 2008) 3.5 ~ Not bowled over, but the acting is strong throughout by Hawkins, Marsan and supporting cast.
  21. Paranoid Park (Gus Van Sant, 2007) 3.5 ~ Confident, skillful direction from GVS. Exceeds ELEPHANT.
  22. Stuck (Stuart Gordon, 2007) 2.0 ~ TOUCHING THE VOID meets I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. A strange choice for S. Rea, too.

I fully expect utilizing the phrase “teen lesbo action” (above and um, again, just now) will increase my web hits tenfold as well as send legit media sources scrambling to my e-mail inbox with job offers.

In the meantime, I’ll try to keep adding to my total. With merely two weeks to go, is 180 possible? 190?


Posted on December 17, 2008, in Film log. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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