Son of Twitter Reviews

With this latest batch, I’ve surpassed my all-time movie-watching record in one year. 168 and counting! Not bad for someone who receives no pay, and no advance screeners that real, honest-to-goodness reviewers who actually review films get.

If someone wants to hire me as an honest-to-goodness reviewer (I’m cheap, and will work for screeners), here’s just a taste of the lyrical magic that drips from my keyboard:

  1. Teeth (Mitchell Lichtenstein, 2007) 2.0 ~ Some PIRANHA-style fun, but overall, pretty limp. Checking off teeth & dick boxes.
  2. Xmas Tale (Arnaud Desplechin, 2008) 3.5 ~ Might improve w/repeat viewing. Cast is strong, just convulted plot in French, which caused me trouble.
  3. The Strangers (Bryan Bertino, 2008) 3.0 ~ Great first half of set-up, but suffers from ditto scares throughout.
  4. Dark Knight (Christopher Nolan, 2008) 4.0 ~ Yep, I’m the last living human to watch it. Seems really loose when Ledger isn’t there to anchor it.
  5. Milk (Gus Van Sant, 2008) 3.5 ~ Why not release this before the Calif. Prop 8 election? Pure Oscar grab? Decent biopic with good Spicoli perf.
  6. Dear Zachary (Kurt Kuenne, 2008) 4.0 ~ Soon enough, I’ll get up off the floor.
  7. Changeling (Clint Eastwood, 2008) 3.5 ~ Rolled my eyes at times, but overall, pretty gripping. Jolie plays a tough role rather well.
  8. Slumdog $1M-aire (Danny Boyle, 2008) 3.0 ~ It was okay, but I haven’t found Regis entertaining for years.
  9. Synecdoche, NY (Charlie Kaufman, 2008) 2.0 ~ CK needs an editor/more talented director. Bloated, but with moments of brilliance.
  10. Let the Right One In (Tomas Alfredson, 2008) 3.0 ~ Loses momentum several times throughout, but nice alternative as a gender-switched Twilight.
  11. /Crash/ (David Cronenberg, 1996) 2.5~ Love the concept in theory. It’s like a parody of an erotic thriller. Twisted metal and scars? H-O-T!
  12. Wall-E (Andrew Stanton, 2008) 4.5 and
  13. Kung Fu Panda (Mark Osborne, John Stevenson, 2008) 3.5 ~ Kids movies among year’s best? I don’t believe it either.
  14. Encounters at TEOTW (Werner Herzog, 2008) 3.5 ~ Couldn’t Werner do an odder, more paranoid version of TV’s Wild Kingdom? Call Mutual of Omaha.
  15. Boarding Gate (Olivier Assayas, 2007) 2.0 ~ +1.0 for a scene w/ Kim Gordon barking in Cantonese. The other 1.0 for well, Asia, of course.
  16. Rachel Getting Married (Jonathan Demme, 2008) 4.0 ~ Before I die, I’d like to attend a wedding like that, if such a thing even exists.
  17. Role Models (David Wain, 2008) 3.0 ~ Paul Rudd: this generation’s master of the smartass universe? Former title holder: Bill Murray.
  18. Iron Man (Jon Favreau, 2008) 4.0 ~ Dammit, Favreau/Downey Jr., that was a lot of fun. Makes me feel bad for being eons late to the party.
  19. Water Lilies (Céline Sciamma, 2007) 3.0 ~ Those expecting teen lesbo action will be disappointed. Instead, tender debut film re: young love.
  20. Happy-Go-Lucky (Mike Leigh, 2008) 3.5 ~ Not bowled over, but the acting is strong throughout by Hawkins, Marsan and supporting cast.
  21. Paranoid Park (Gus Van Sant, 2007) 3.5 ~ Confident, skillful direction from GVS. Exceeds ELEPHANT.
  22. Stuck (Stuart Gordon, 2007) 2.0 ~ TOUCHING THE VOID meets I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. A strange choice for S. Rea, too.

I fully expect utilizing the phrase “teen lesbo action” (above and um, again, just now) will increase my web hits tenfold as well as send legit media sources scrambling to my e-mail inbox with job offers.

In the meantime, I’ll try to keep adding to my total. With merely two weeks to go, is 180 possible? 190?

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Posted on December 17, 2008, in Film log. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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